The Fear of Being Unproductive

When I was younger I remember feeling like I wanted to do big things with my life. I didn’t want to be ordinary. So silly I know. Why would a child even think this? But for some reason, it was in my head. I think at that time it was more geared towards wanting to be on Broadway and wanting to be significant in the world. Maybe it came from being the youngest of 6 children and feeling the need to make my presence known and heard, nevertheless, this mindset is what turned me into the overproductive perfectionist I am today. The person who feels the need to be productive all the time or they are wasting their life. When I was still performing and auditioning, every day I would have to work to make a living, but in every minute of downtime, I felt I needed to be doing something that would get me closer to my goals. Studying acting sides, reading self-help books, paying thousands of dollars for dance classes, voice lessons, and acting coaching sessions. Maybe this is why even when I left the world of theater I continued to feel this pressure daily. “Ok, if I’m not going to be on Broadway then I’m going to be the General Manager of a luxury 5-star hotel” - enter productivity phase two, post-theater days. Does anyone else feel this way? Do any of you feel the extreme guilt of just sitting on your couch with a book instead of constantly trying to improve your life, your job, or your mind? I feel like the world is so competitive that if I take any time to myself surely I will fall behind. This is a part of me that I have slowly started to try and let go of. I call it the American disease, the need to be constantly doing something to get ahead, or even worse, just keep up. I know the word disease is not a pleasant one but this is what it feels like to me. Growing up in America we are just wired for the competition from day one. Of course, this varies depending on where you live and are growing up. In some parts of the country, children are allowed to still just be children. To run outside and not be forced daily to somehow learn so that they can get into that Ivy League School in 16 years. If there’s anything COVID-19 has taught us its that we have no clue what the world or the country will be like in 16 years. It has certainly changed drastically since the time I moved to New York City 16 years ago. But this disease continues to sweep the nation. It creates a fear in parents that if their kids are not accepted into a good preschool they will not get into a good private high school and onto a good college, which will certainly be detrimental to their lives right? I see this all the time. It stresses out parents and kids. It’s like we are not allowed to just be people. When was the last time you just sat on your couch and let yourself be? No cell phone in hand. Maybe a candle lit, or a hot cup of coffee in your hands. I’m starting to allow myself to do this more. After being officially unemployed for 2 months now (6 with the furlough)) I have applied for hundreds of positions in NYC, along with other cities in the country. I have been called on 2. Yes, two. I have nearly a decade of experience in Hotels and Business at this point in my life. This is the reality facing our country (and most likely the world) at the moment, especially my industry. With hospitality almost a non-option at this point, it has really opened my eyes to realize the changes that have happened in our country while I was happily planning events and traveling the world. Other Industries have emerged and have taken over while my industry is on a pause from existence. This has caused me to try and pivot which guess what…makes me feel an even greater need to be productive, to take new classes, learn new skills, read more, study more, get more certifications, learn more! Eventually, though, the burnout comes which forces me onto the couch with a cup of tea and a good book because it starts feeling like I’m spinning my wheels. What’s even the point anymore.

I recently picked up the book “Tuesdays with Morrie”. which I bought from Thrift Books for less than $6 including shipping. I first read this book years ago, and I remember it making an impact on me. I decided that this was the perfect time to read something that would help me remember the important things in lif, and to look at the big picture. Something that would teach me to slow down and enjoy the little things. This book did it. By the end, I was in tears. For those of you who have not read it. Morrie was a philosophy professor who loved life and loved teaching about life. He had one student in particular that he adored who disappeared after college but then eventually come back when he found out his “coach” aka Morrie was dying from ALS. The book is incredibly touching. It’s from the viewpoint of an extremely intelligent man who is about to die and all the life lessons he wants to share with the world. Everyone will experience different emotions when reading this book and take away different things, but my takeaways were this…life is short. It goes by too fast. We have no idea when our time will come, and there is just no time for regret, stress, or pressure. Sure there will be these things in life, but the truth is everything will work out in the end. I have gone through varying emotions over these past 6 months. Anger, grief, sadness, with the most overwhelming emotion, being hopelessness. I have a feeling I’m not the only one. I have begun to feel completely lost and that this bad dream we are all living is never going to end. That we will never be able to get back on our feet and move forward. It does seem like this doesn’t it? But when I really think about this time, I know that this is just the ultimate test in patience. I’ve never been much good at being patient. I always want something to happen when I want it. Well, God is definitely telling me no matter how much I want it, NOW is not going to happen RIGHT NOW. We are living in times where we don’t know what will happen next week let alone next year. Times that have truly tested all of our faith and patience in a way I never really imagined possible. As agonizing as it feels, and as much as it seems I will not have a job for a very long time, I think what I need to start realizing is that everything really is going to be ok. If I’m never a General Manager of a 5-star luxury hotel (that dream is over, by the way, I’ve moved onto others) it’s OK. If I’m not the next amazing teacher changing the world (another dream I’ve thought of), that’s OK too. If everything seems impossible and I just want to crawl up in a ball, that’s OK too, because eventually, I’ll crawl out of that ball, and I’ll get up. I’ll go for a walk and be reminded that the world is beautiful. Eventually, when it’s time, I’ll get a job, I’ll move forward, and sure I might be in my 40’s when that happens, but if there’s something Morrie has indirectly taught me it’s that time doesn’t matter. It’s fluid and everchanging. What goes up must eventually come down and in the end, we will all be OK.